From moments that was reminiscent of the “pieta” to how I probably must get used to walking when I am 90! I was carried like a baby, I was dropped, I fell, I suffered pain, paranoia, scraped the bottom of that barrel called hope, gave up privacy, relearned intimacy and in the process discovered the joy of “time” spent worthwhile.
I no longer need help to turn around in bed. I no longer need help to sit up. I no longer need help in tearing up the chapatti to small pieces. I do need help in standing up. Though it becomes lesser and lesser as the weeks go by. I still need someone to keep a watchful eye and a hand on me when I totter along with a knee brace and my trusted walking stick.
It has not been easy hanging on to hope. With no medical practitioner giving a time frame nor to what extent I can expect recovery I have had to turn to groups on the net of people afflicted in the same way and draw a pattern and strength from them. It all boils down to faith and conviction and support. Of seeing an image of you dancing on a beach as the sun sets in liquid flames and clawing your way to that image.
Support. It has come from quarters I never expected. It has thrown up friends I never thought I could lean on. It has also shown chinks in the armour of friends I wrapped myself with. But then it is not easy to deal with something like this when it happens to a close pal. Like you don’t know how to deal with death.
The person changes. He can’t hit the pubs anymore, he can’t go chasing tail, he can’t smoke up his way to oblivion, he can’t go out with you to a movie or shopping or clubbing. It has not been easy at all for me to understand and come to terms with these changes. Life as I knew it all this while is gone.
I still dream about dancing intimately with my girl. To be able to run with my kids and kick a ball. And I know these visions is what will get me back there.
A friend once told me, “man! You were travelling tooooo fast!!! Life just put on the brakes for you. Just sit back and relax!”
I couldn’t agree more. I have spend time doing things I may never have. I have had the joy of watching my kids. An endless riot!!! Of watching a movie with them, of painting with them, of singing with them, of answering their questions, of reading bedtime stories to them. Things I did way too less and way too far in between.
There are still things I must do. But at least I have had time to think of what those things are. And what is important.
I am awed by the love I receive. You see I still have my temper!!!
I have a lot to return to sanne and my kids. My mom for being strong cause I know how must this must have shattered her.
And so this is the update! I see the shack in the horizon, I hear music faint and wafting in the air. I am on my way me hearties! I’ll see ya all there in a while!
Oh! All of ya all on facebook check out my t shirts in the group “myfuckin’tshirt”. For the rest I will put them up on flickr.